How do you rate yourself as a listener? Does it depend on who’s doing the talking, what else is going on, where you are? Listening definitely does change and is affected by all of the fore-mentioned.
You may already be familiar with the 4 levels of listening. We’re all pretty skilled at cosmetic listening – when we pretend to listen and, for extra good measure, pick up on the odd points here and there, nod and make positive listening noises!
Conversational listening is when we listen, talk, think, listen, think, talk and, quite often, interrupt and add to what’s being said.
We hear most about active listening as an aspirational level. It’s when we really start to focus on what the other person is saying, pay attention, register the facts – maybe even take notes – and work hard to understand the meaning of what is being said.
Then there’s D-E-E-P listening. This is when we 100% concentrate on what is being said and 100% focus on the other person to the exclusion of other thoughts and mind chatter. You could say we’re in the moment or zone. There are no distractions: my mind listening to you is quiet and calm. But… the very moment that I register this fact becomes the moment that this higher state of listening is broken. The realisation distracts me from listening to you.
It’s got to be said that deep listening for lengthy periods is tough to do and takes considerable effort!
If you can run with the idea of active listening being good enough for most of us in daily life, how do you feel about these 5 tips?
- Pick your moment: If you really haven’t got time to listen right now OR your mind chatter (that internal conversation that’s listing all the things you should be doing) is going to get in the way, negotiate or suggest a better time to talk. Similarly, if somebody throws information at you in passing, follow it up and check it out to make sure you understand it.
- Pick your place: Where can you be free from distractions and interruptions? This goes hand in glove with picking your moment. If somebody nabs you in the kitchen and you’re fiddling with your pot noodle, conversational listening will be a goer, but active listening probably not.
- Pace it: If somebody presents something to you that’s challenging or complex, it could take time for you to assimilate it, make sense of it and then work out what you have to do with it. You could take notes, you could ask the person to pause for a moment or to slow down because you want to make sure you fully understand what is being said.
- Stay focused: If you have missed something that’s been said or realise you’re losing track or drifting off, say something – apologise and refocus. If the person doing the talking has a tendency to go all around the houses and then some, help them out by framing with questions: What’s important for me to know here? What are the key points? How would you like me to use the information? Clarify, repeat and summarise information back.
- Person to person: (Or you could say face to face/eye to eye, but that isn’t easy
over the phone!). The message here is to make sure the other person knows you’re listening. If 1:1 dedicated time is required (eg, in private, free from distractions), request it, suggest it or organise it – whatever is appropriate. Ditto if, mid-way through a conversation, you become aware that you need to be listening more deeply than you are doing. Show your interest and make that all important personal connection that builds respect, trust and rapport.
bloggingblarney 
Comments on: "Top Tips… for deeper listening" (2)
Dawn, this is a key skill area for anyone who wishes to improve their relationships with others. This is true whether one is a salesperson, an HR professional, an executive, a coach or simply someone who wishes to get more out of their relationships. We all experience moments when trying to listen, thoughts intrude or we race ahead to phase a possible response and then we have lost the moment and the flow of what was being said to us.
A key technique I was lucky to learn is for just these moments when we sense that we are beginning to lose concentration. The technique is to start repeating what the other person is saying…but in our head. If you can rapidly repeat what is being said to you with all of the inflections and emphasis of the speaker (a fraction behind their voice), we really do become one with them. It’s not something we need to attempt to do all of the time but it really works for those moments when we are in danger of losing concentration.
But how do we then find the mental time to phrase our response? Something I learnt in my early days of selling is the value of the pause. This can work in a variety of ways and for the sales person it was taught to ask the crucial question and then not to speak first. A bit contrived but it invariably worked as others are loath to let silence continue. However, why not pause when the other party pauses and use the time to think. If we look directly at the other person, perhaps nod or merely add “I see” or “I understand” whilst we gather our thoughts, the subsequent response can have a powerful added emphasis.
You have covered a hugely important area of life, whether business or personal – listen well and not only do we learn so much more, we are then able to get more from our interactions with others.
Regards
Tony
The value of the pause could well be a post in its own right! I have increasingly found that the use of a pause (and silence) has a powerful effect. I really like your suggestion of silent repetition too. Incredibly useful insights and wisdom sharing, thank you!