When what others think of you really counts…

Of the countless instances when people share their thoughts and opinions about you, with you, which matter most?  How do you use them?  How do you respond?

Would you make the case that it doesn’t matter a jot what other people think, provided that you are content, confident and comfortable with who you are, what you do and how you do it? (There have been times when I have claimed exactly this, usually in a casual, careless – or do I mean ‘carefree’?  –  moment.)

Then there are the well made points that you can never know 100% what somebody else is thinking, nor can you control it.  Whilst I think what a person is thinking about me is subject to variable subjectivity – shaded and shaped by their role, experience, perspective, values, beliefs, and, importantly, the nature and quality of our relationship and interactions – I also believe that supposition (or attempts at mind reading) on my part  – shaded and shaped by any insecurities, self-doubts, concerns or the opposite (hopes, aspirations, optimism, confidence) – can distort reality.

We know that we use a combination of senses when we interact, with intuition coming into play if/when we tune into it.  We respond in accordance with the verbal and non-verbal messages that we pick up on.  We also have capacity to disregard, totally, the accuracy and authenticity of those messages.  We can react, instead, to a whole set of assumptions that we fabricate for ourselves, some of which can be deeply rooted in their historic foundations.

Depending on who the other person is and the value we place on our association, we may be more or less interested in or affected by their opinions of us.  Sometimes opinions will hold great meaning and other times we will waft them away as insignificant or irritating.

What counts – in terms of resonance and relevance – is the force of impact and potential to stimulate change.  How do those opinions – welcome or not, invited or not – affect you or me?  What responses or actions do they trigger?

When I regard opinions as judgements (neither good nor bad), it seems all the more reasonable and sensible that I appraise those judgements against my own set of conditions to ensure their value to me:

• the nature of the relationship I have with the judge (or ‘opinion giver’ if  ‘judge’ is too extreme)
• the integrity of that opinion giver
• the circumstances surrounding the opinion giving (eg, professional assessment, project debrief, personal profiling)
• how confident or sensitive I feel at the time
• the frequency of the opinion giving by the same person
• whether it’s morale boosting or deflating, enabling or impeding
• whether it’s invited or unwelcome
• planned/spontaneous or inappropriately casual/clumsy
• objective or biased
• justifiable or unreasonable
• timely or out of sync
• rational or irrational
• borne of support or opposition
• current or out-of-date
• neutral or emotionally loaded (which links to objectivity).

There are other conditions that I could add.  Meaningfulness and integrity are critical factors.  Although unconsciously applied and rarely written down, all of the above matter a lot to me and affect how I receive opinions, observations and feedback.  They enable me to filter information and separate the golden nuggets (accepted with appreciation as catalysts for change) from the less valuable coarse grit (rejected without guilt or malice).

Professionally, I promote self-awareness, I believe in continuous learning, I advocate ongoing personal and professional development.  I place great value on feedback and observations on skills, talents, strengths and weaknesses (or areas for development).

For most of us the timeliness of opinion giving is critical to our receptiveness, so we ought to be applying controls and managing the process to maximise its value:

• if it’s not the right time, say so
• if the opinion giving is not credible, choose to disregard it or take steps to make it more credible (eg, ask for examples or illustrations, request feedback on specifics that matter to you)
• if relating to the past, invite an update and fresh perspective
• if superficial or lacking in detail, ask for examples
• if there’s a piece of criticism that resonates loudly or hits a nerve, digest it, mull it over, before reacting straightaway, then find out more
• put some buffers in place and build in some pause points, to reflect and consider before responding
• ask questions to increase meaningfulness
• be mindful of those aspects of you that you want to evolve
• be genuinely interested in how others see you
• be selective and filter in only those opinions and observations that enable you to learn and grow.

It’s for you to determine the times and situations when others’ opinions really do count – a job interview, performance appraisal, your partner’s insights, etc – and manage opportunities to receive them, explore them, try them on to see how they feel.  If you like them, work at getting them to a comfortable size and fit.

If, now, you were to switch roles and re-read this post as the opinion giver, how could you manage the process to enable the person on the receiving end to reap the full benefits?…

The perils of assumptions & half-information

You know those simple examples that reinforce the fundamental principles of effective communication, well how about this one for raising the question, ‘Is incomplete information better than no information?’?

There was I last Monday, at an early and peak hour for commuters, purchasing my train ticket via a new machine recently installed on the departure platform. Maybe I was half asleep or maybe I only read half the options for destinations and ticket types, but I became the reluctant holder of a single version – clearly marked as ‘ONE WAY ONLY’. At least I entered my destination correctly. Splutter, mutter, damn and blast, the single ticket cost nearly as much as a 2-way journey [I always find this a difficult mathematical equation to grasp].

Aboard the train and in answer to my question, the conductor confirmed that, ‘Yes, there is a way to upgrade my ticket and pay the difference; just head to platform 1 upon arrival. In future, though, it may be best to purchase the ticket on the train’. Hmmm…

A window seat meant I had to wait to leave the train before attempting to move against the flow of commuters moving en masse towards the filtering system of the exit barriers. Although my heart sank at the sight of the long queue for the help desks on platform 1, it provided some reassurance that it was not only me making wrong choices on this particular morn.

The speed of the ticket administrators was impressive. I quickly got issued with new tickets to make up the original shortfall, FULLY absorbed the instruction to keep all of my tickets together, and then headed towards the exit barriers. 

Okay, now here’s where incomplete info comes into play. To exit the station, commuters have to insert their tickets into the automated ticket feeders cum barriers [sorry I don’t have a technical term, though I know there must be one]. Instead of my ticket being shot back out at me as the barrier released, it never re-emerged from the machine. Why? Because it was a single ticket type. How did I know? Because I asked the commuter behind me on the way out. Where did this leave me? Late for a meeting across the other side of the city holding a 2-way ticket substantially deficient in value and, therefore, unredeemable against a return journey.

Checking in for that return journey, the ‘deficient’ ticket would not permit me access to the station via the automated ticket feeder cum barrier, but the human ticket handler did [reminding me why I much prefer to speak to a person than deal with a machine]. Paying another visit to the platform 1 administrators, ‘Yes, the automated feeders keep all single tickets’, ‘No, the top up tickets would not let you in or out of the station’, ‘Next time ask the human handler [my term, rather than theirs] to grant access/exit’, and ‘The conductor might let me ride on the train without re-purchasing a full price single ticket if I told him my story’. Great stuff!

Although this is a simple tale of woe, it does represent some of the trials and tribulations of information-sharing and communication.

I made a mistake in my choice of ticket initially, highlighting the necessity – on future occasions – to scan ALL options before making my selection with my eyes wide open. The extra time and care taken at this initial point would have saved me considerable time later in the day.

The train conductor on the outward journey provided me with full information and signposted me appropriately to the help desk; no problem there.

The platform 1 administrators, although courteous and prompt, missed out a crucial piece of information, ‘Don’t use any of the tickets to exit the station via the automated feeder cum barrier; instead head for the human handler’. 

In any 2-way communication, there’s responsibility on both sides to share and receive information. There’s also responsibility on both sides to ask questions, although sometimes information seekers won’t know what they don’t know so have to rely on the knowledge and experience of the information givers.

How often do we share information in a hurry, casually, without any real conscious effort? Is incomplete information better than no information? It may enable the information seeker to complete part of their journey, but is very likely to cause confusion or frustration and waste everybody’s time at a later stage.

Assumptions made by both parties can result in information gaps and misinformation which can end up leading people in the wrong direction altogether.

If you are an information seeker, never doubt the advantages of asking questions like, ‘What do I need to know to be able to do X?’, ‘What problems might I encounter?’, ‘What extra information would it be good for me to know now?’.

If you are the information giver, pose questions, ‘What do you know already about doing X?’, ‘When did you last do X?’, in order to be able to share ‘This is what has changed’, ‘This is what you need to know/do now’.

Irrespective of the subject matter, become more conscious – for a while at least – of communications around you and the quality of information shared. Then decide whether it’s worth your while to invest in understanding the needs and current position of the information seeker before you proceed to share good quality, relevant information…

PS  I did not incur extra costs on my return journey!

Project complete? Before you move onto the next, please take a moment…

How often do we review our work achievements for ourselves? Never, rarely, often?

If you answer the latter, I think that’s fantastic and you deserve an award, seriously you do.  In my case, my answer sits at a midpoint between never and rarely. 

I don’t know if you have ever left a job and found yourself clearing out filing cabinets, computer files, etc, to leave things straight for your successor or to handover to a colleague?  

If you have, you may well recall the walk down memory lane, with some sharp reminders as you unearth different pieces of work and projects that you have genuinely forgotten, or the faded remnants of which have been shoved deeper into your memory bank as you have deposited newer memories of more recent tasks and projects.

An annual appraisal with a line manager will pick up on performance targets and some achievements, but it won’t necessarily extend to reviewing individual pieces of work. 

Supervision sessions tend to concentrate on current pressures, what’s happening now, what needs to happen tomorrow or next month. 

When you’re ready for a career change and apply for a new job, or, in my case, tender for a contract, you can find yourself having to climb into your memory bank to rediscover and evaluate some of those projects that…, well wow, how could you have forgotten them?  They were significant, they delivered, you put your heart and soul into them at the time.  And yet, as you’ve taken on new pieces of work, sometimes actually reinventing the earlier models, they have been discarded and their value lost.

My message to you:  please don’t let their value diminish!  Treat all projects as assets.  Review them, learn from them, appraise your knowledge, skills, strengths at the end of each.  Highlight summary headlines for yourself, to act as a memory jogger.  Effectively you’re devising an index system that you can flick through to remind yourself of what you have done and what you have delivered.

The format and amount of detail is up to you, whatever suits you best.  If you want to add in a few extras, I’d recommend that you log some notes to yourself…  What have you learned from the experience?  What was significant about the process?  What are the stand-out features for YOU?  What would YOU do differently next time?  This is about growing your experience and wisdom to carry forward to future projects… 

Give it a go; put the idea to the test and adapt it so that it works for you!