When what others think of you really counts…

Of the countless instances when people share their thoughts and opinions about you, with you, which matter most?  How do you use them?  How do you respond?

Would you make the case that it doesn’t matter a jot what other people think, provided that you are content, confident and comfortable with who you are, what you do and how you do it? (There have been times when I have claimed exactly this, usually in a casual, careless – or do I mean ‘carefree’?  –  moment.)

Then there are the well made points that you can never know 100% what somebody else is thinking, nor can you control it.  Whilst I think what a person is thinking about me is subject to variable subjectivity – shaded and shaped by their role, experience, perspective, values, beliefs, and, importantly, the nature and quality of our relationship and interactions – I also believe that supposition (or attempts at mind reading) on my part  – shaded and shaped by any insecurities, self-doubts, concerns or the opposite (hopes, aspirations, optimism, confidence) – can distort reality.

We know that we use a combination of senses when we interact, with intuition coming into play if/when we tune into it.  We respond in accordance with the verbal and non-verbal messages that we pick up on.  We also have capacity to disregard, totally, the accuracy and authenticity of those messages.  We can react, instead, to a whole set of assumptions that we fabricate for ourselves, some of which can be deeply rooted in their historic foundations.

Depending on who the other person is and the value we place on our association, we may be more or less interested in or affected by their opinions of us.  Sometimes opinions will hold great meaning and other times we will waft them away as insignificant or irritating.

What counts – in terms of resonance and relevance – is the force of impact and potential to stimulate change.  How do those opinions – welcome or not, invited or not – affect you or me?  What responses or actions do they trigger?

When I regard opinions as judgements (neither good nor bad), it seems all the more reasonable and sensible that I appraise those judgements against my own set of conditions to ensure their value to me:

• the nature of the relationship I have with the judge (or ‘opinion giver’ if  ‘judge’ is too extreme)
• the integrity of that opinion giver
• the circumstances surrounding the opinion giving (eg, professional assessment, project debrief, personal profiling)
• how confident or sensitive I feel at the time
• the frequency of the opinion giving by the same person
• whether it’s morale boosting or deflating, enabling or impeding
• whether it’s invited or unwelcome
• planned/spontaneous or inappropriately casual/clumsy
• objective or biased
• justifiable or unreasonable
• timely or out of sync
• rational or irrational
• borne of support or opposition
• current or out-of-date
• neutral or emotionally loaded (which links to objectivity).

There are other conditions that I could add.  Meaningfulness and integrity are critical factors.  Although unconsciously applied and rarely written down, all of the above matter a lot to me and affect how I receive opinions, observations and feedback.  They enable me to filter information and separate the golden nuggets (accepted with appreciation as catalysts for change) from the less valuable coarse grit (rejected without guilt or malice).

Professionally, I promote self-awareness, I believe in continuous learning, I advocate ongoing personal and professional development.  I place great value on feedback and observations on skills, talents, strengths and weaknesses (or areas for development).

For most of us the timeliness of opinion giving is critical to our receptiveness, so we ought to be applying controls and managing the process to maximise its value:

• if it’s not the right time, say so
• if the opinion giving is not credible, choose to disregard it or take steps to make it more credible (eg, ask for examples or illustrations, request feedback on specifics that matter to you)
• if relating to the past, invite an update and fresh perspective
• if superficial or lacking in detail, ask for examples
• if there’s a piece of criticism that resonates loudly or hits a nerve, digest it, mull it over, before reacting straightaway, then find out more
• put some buffers in place and build in some pause points, to reflect and consider before responding
• ask questions to increase meaningfulness
• be mindful of those aspects of you that you want to evolve
• be genuinely interested in how others see you
• be selective and filter in only those opinions and observations that enable you to learn and grow.

It’s for you to determine the times and situations when others’ opinions really do count – a job interview, performance appraisal, your partner’s insights, etc – and manage opportunities to receive them, explore them, try them on to see how they feel.  If you like them, work at getting them to a comfortable size and fit.

If, now, you were to switch roles and re-read this post as the opinion giver, how could you manage the process to enable the person on the receiving end to reap the full benefits?…

Top Tips… for deeper listening

How do you rate yourself as a listener? Does it depend on who’s doing the talking, what else is going on, where you are? Listening definitely does change and is affected by all of the fore-mentioned.

You may already be familiar with the 4 levels of listening. We’re all pretty skilled at cosmetic listening – when we pretend to listen and, for extra good measure, pick up on the odd points here and there, nod and make positive listening noises!

Conversational listening is when we listen, talk, think, listen, think, talk and, quite often, interrupt and add to what’s being said.

We hear most about active listening as an aspirational level. It’s when we really start to focus on what the other person is saying, pay attention, register the facts – maybe even take notes – and work hard to understand the meaning of what is being said.

Then there’s D-E-E-P listening. This is when we 100% concentrate on what is being said and 100% focus on the other person to the exclusion of other thoughts and mind chatter. You could say we’re in the moment or zone. There are no distractions: my mind listening to you is quiet and calm. But… the very moment that I register this fact becomes the moment that this higher state of listening is broken. The realisation distracts me from listening to you.

It’s got to be said that deep listening for lengthy periods is tough to do and takes considerable effort!

If you can run with the idea of active listening being good enough for most of us in daily life, how do you feel about these 5 tips?

1. Pick your moment:  If you really haven’t got time to listen right now OR your mind chatter (that internal conversation that’s listing all the things you should be doing) is going to get in the way, negotiate or suggest a better time to talk. Similarly, if somebody throws information at you in passing, follow it up and check it out to make sure you understand it.
2. Pick your place: Where can you be free from distractions and interruptions? This goes hand in glove with picking your moment. If somebody nabs you in the kitchen and you’re fiddling with your pot noodle, conversational listening will be a goer, but active listening probably not.
3. Pace it: If somebody presents something to you that’s challenging or complex, it could take time for you to assimilate it, make sense of it and then work out what you have to do with it. You could take notes, you could ask the person to pause for a moment or to slow down because you want to make sure you fully understand what is being said.
4. Stay focused: If you have missed something that’s been said or realise you’re losing track or drifting off, say something – apologise and refocus. If the person doing the talking has a tendency to go all around the houses and then some, help them out by framing with questions: What’s important for me to know here? What are the key points? How would you like me to use the information? Clarify, repeat and summarise information back.
5. Person to person: (Or you could say face to face/eye to eye, but that isn’t easy over the phone!). The message here is to make sure the other person knows you’re listening. If 1:1 dedicated time is required (eg, in private, free from distractions), request it, suggest it or organise it – whatever is appropriate. Ditto if, mid-way through a conversation, you become aware that you need to be listening more deeply than you are doing. Show your interest and make that all important personal connection that builds respect, trust and rapport.

Elastic only ever snaps when it’s stretched too far or too fast!

Adventurers and security seekers sit at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to comfort zones. Both move into panic zones on occasions, but for opposite reasons.

Is either position right or wrong?

Is it the size of the stretch or the amount of control we have over that stretch that is the deal maker or breaker? Stress levels can shoot up for any one of us when choice is removed and control restricted.

Somebody pushed to move out of their comfort zone before they’re ready, when feeling unsure, exposed, vulnerable or reluctant, could well react with forceful emotion and resistant manoeuvring.

Heels may firmly be dug into the ground with a steadfast refusal to budge, the threats to their boundaries regarded with suspicion, a battle of wills fought with whoever or whatever is doing the pushing.

If you are the person trying to get the other person to stretch, you’re going to have to use coaching and mentoring skills to identify, measure and then reduce the conflict factors that are acting like brakes.

By working with the person to understand, plan and manage the transition they need to make to deliver a change, you will empower them to release those brakes.

By facilitating the stretch in appropriately sized increments, at a sensitive yet acceptable pace, you will strengthen the person’s ability to make their transition.

By enabling them to self-appraise and explore ALL opportunities created by a change, you will build an alternative viewing platform and motivators for sustaining forward motion.

By recognising their achievements and capabilities, you will open up access to personal development resources and incentivise a stretch.

For security seekers, knowing boundaries is of paramount importance for a continuing sense of wellbeing. Confidence and contentment come from familiarity, stability and a desire to maintain the status quo. Routines and solid foundations can be clung to like buoys when waters turn choppy. Trusted and long-established relationships are held close, often at the expense of new acquaintances who have to prove that they are trustworthy, dependable and reliable.

For the adventurers, stretching (and then stretching their stretch) is non-negotiable. It’s essential sustenance for their life force. The very thought of sticking within comfort zones causes panic and palpitations. It’s the equivalent of a ball and chain padlocked around both ankles, not just one.

Am I exaggerating my descriptions? For sure I am… AND, yes, I am simplifying like mad. We could come up with a great long list of people types when it comes to the challenge of change.

What we’re talking about here are big differences in the boundaries we place around ourselves AND in how we each react when other people or circumstances push at those boundaries. Shouldn’t these differences be acknowledged through more individualised approaches to change management?

Top Tips for becoming more positive

You know that old adage, ‘Smile and the whole world smiles with you‘? There’s also that glass measurement, ‘Half full or half empty‘.

If you are running on half empty, sayings like these can be [bleep, bleep – please feel free to insert your own vocabulary here!] annoying.  That said, there is definitely something in them.

Notice people around you – without being too obvious or harassing anybody – and consider their personas, how they approach challenges, how they manage change, the quality of their interactions. Who do you admire? Who do you warm to? And… who would you choose to work with?

Who would you reeeally like on your team at work or play?

I’m not presuming anything fantastic here because there are lots of factors and variables that will affect us. One assumption I am making is that most of us do not automatically gravitate towards the person who constantly looks for flaws and faults, who continually raises more arguments against than for, who frowns more than they smile, and who can – at their absolute peak – suck the life force out of everybody around them. [By the way, I am talking norms here – this attitude and behaviour are the norm for this particular person. It’s not a case of somebody temporarily going through a rough patch.]

We know full well that we can all change IF (a) we decide to and (b) we really really want to. We’re talking about reprogramming our thinking and our automatic reactions to situations. Speaking personally, I am not wanting to smile and whistle all the time, but I do want to adopt a more Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) that serves me well in what I do and how I interact with people. Here are some tips which you might like for starters…

1. Be self-aware (more than usual): Set yourself a timeframe (eg, 3 days, a week) to notice your attitude, your language, how you respond and react to different people and situations. Do you bring out the best in people? Do you contribute to things as positively and proactively as you can? What do you contribute? What do you ‘bring to the table’?
2. Notice your language: As a basic starter, notice your use of negative stock phrases like ‘Not too bad’ (in response to ‘How’s it going?’), ‘I don’t see why not’ (in response to ‘Can we do X…?’). Practise switching to more definite and positive vocabulary and phrasing, if you need to. It’s the increasing self-awareness and consciousness that are important here.
3. Take small steps to test out a new approach: This is about setting yourself some goals to break subconscious negative habits/patterns and consciously replace them with better habits/patterns. Eg, when you automatically think ‘This won’t work because…’, stop yourself and come up with 2 reasons why it could (or will) work. You could even adopt this as a team approach.
4. Have realistic expectations: If you are a perfection seeker, when do you feel satisfied? Whilst a continuous improvement philosophy can be a necessity, take time to recognise and enjoy what’s working well right now. Similarly, good enough can be good enough. Invest greatest effort and energy in what is most important.
5. Balance perspectives: Avoid letting worry, or fear of success or failure, become big stumbling blocks. Failure is actually an outcome that can be changed. Facing up to fear inducing tasks or situations, and then devising a strategy for working on them, can grow PMA. It’s the action of taking control that provides uplift and momentum for change.
6. Adopt a solution focus: Instead of analysing a problem (which can actually escalate it by placing emphasis on blame, causal factors, negative impacts and consequences), adopt an alternative perspective. By defining how you want something to be can open up the mind to options and unlock solutions. The more detailed you can be, the clearer you will be about your starting position. What’s working well right now? What should you do more of? What isn’t working for you so needs to stop? What experience and skills can you use? What resources can you call upon? What steps can you take right now to make things happen?

Let me know what you think! If you need to check anything, get in touch.  Ditto, if you have any experiences to share.

The perils of assumptions & half-information

You know those simple examples that reinforce the fundamental principles of effective communication, well how about this one for raising the question, ‘Is incomplete information better than no information?’?

There was I last Monday, at an early and peak hour for commuters, purchasing my train ticket via a new machine recently installed on the departure platform. Maybe I was half asleep or maybe I only read half the options for destinations and ticket types, but I became the reluctant holder of a single version – clearly marked as ‘ONE WAY ONLY’. At least I entered my destination correctly. Splutter, mutter, damn and blast, the single ticket cost nearly as much as a 2-way journey [I always find this a difficult mathematical equation to grasp].

Aboard the train and in answer to my question, the conductor confirmed that, ‘Yes, there is a way to upgrade my ticket and pay the difference; just head to platform 1 upon arrival. In future, though, it may be best to purchase the ticket on the train’. Hmmm…

A window seat meant I had to wait to leave the train before attempting to move against the flow of commuters moving en masse towards the filtering system of the exit barriers. Although my heart sank at the sight of the long queue for the help desks on platform 1, it provided some reassurance that it was not only me making wrong choices on this particular morn.

The speed of the ticket administrators was impressive. I quickly got issued with new tickets to make up the original shortfall, FULLY absorbed the instruction to keep all of my tickets together, and then headed towards the exit barriers. 

Okay, now here’s where incomplete info comes into play. To exit the station, commuters have to insert their tickets into the automated ticket feeders cum barriers [sorry I don’t have a technical term, though I know there must be one]. Instead of my ticket being shot back out at me as the barrier released, it never re-emerged from the machine. Why? Because it was a single ticket type. How did I know? Because I asked the commuter behind me on the way out. Where did this leave me? Late for a meeting across the other side of the city holding a 2-way ticket substantially deficient in value and, therefore, unredeemable against a return journey.

Checking in for that return journey, the ‘deficient’ ticket would not permit me access to the station via the automated ticket feeder cum barrier, but the human ticket handler did [reminding me why I much prefer to speak to a person than deal with a machine]. Paying another visit to the platform 1 administrators, ‘Yes, the automated feeders keep all single tickets’, ‘No, the top up tickets would not let you in or out of the station’, ‘Next time ask the human handler [my term, rather than theirs] to grant access/exit’, and ‘The conductor might let me ride on the train without re-purchasing a full price single ticket if I told him my story’. Great stuff!

Although this is a simple tale of woe, it does represent some of the trials and tribulations of information-sharing and communication.

I made a mistake in my choice of ticket initially, highlighting the necessity – on future occasions – to scan ALL options before making my selection with my eyes wide open. The extra time and care taken at this initial point would have saved me considerable time later in the day.

The train conductor on the outward journey provided me with full information and signposted me appropriately to the help desk; no problem there.

The platform 1 administrators, although courteous and prompt, missed out a crucial piece of information, ‘Don’t use any of the tickets to exit the station via the automated feeder cum barrier; instead head for the human handler’. 

In any 2-way communication, there’s responsibility on both sides to share and receive information. There’s also responsibility on both sides to ask questions, although sometimes information seekers won’t know what they don’t know so have to rely on the knowledge and experience of the information givers.

How often do we share information in a hurry, casually, without any real conscious effort? Is incomplete information better than no information? It may enable the information seeker to complete part of their journey, but is very likely to cause confusion or frustration and waste everybody’s time at a later stage.

Assumptions made by both parties can result in information gaps and misinformation which can end up leading people in the wrong direction altogether.

If you are an information seeker, never doubt the advantages of asking questions like, ‘What do I need to know to be able to do X?’, ‘What problems might I encounter?’, ‘What extra information would it be good for me to know now?’.

If you are the information giver, pose questions, ‘What do you know already about doing X?’, ‘When did you last do X?’, in order to be able to share ‘This is what has changed’, ‘This is what you need to know/do now’.

Irrespective of the subject matter, become more conscious – for a while at least – of communications around you and the quality of information shared. Then decide whether it’s worth your while to invest in understanding the needs and current position of the information seeker before you proceed to share good quality, relevant information…

PS  I did not incur extra costs on my return journey!

Feigning interest? How genuine are you?

I worked in the retail world for a short time and it amazed me how differently people related and reacted to me.  There were the shocking (thankfully occasional) instances when I actually managed to offend customers in spite of my efforts to smile and engage.  Worse still, it was BECAUSE I smiled and applied my sense of humour that I caused offence!  Interesting isn’t it? 

There was always a trigger and flashpoint, of course.  One particular example involved me encouraging my till to run faster.  Sometimes the computerised tills (though an absolute boon to sales assistants) were slow to scan bar codes and there could be several on-screen prompter questions before finally arriving at the point where the customer could enter their payment details if paying by card.  The occasion of the customer (who I will always remember!) huffing her way out of the store, preceded by a very vocal expression of her disgruntlement, was triggered by me uttering the words ‘anytime now’ as the till neared its readiness to accept payment.

I share this as an extreme example – real, true, factual, but still unbelievably ridiculous!  A reader of people’s auras (though I have no experience of this practice) would likely describe an almighty clash from the moment that the customer and me first came into contact. 

As a trainer, I have worked with 100s of people over the years and have continued to observe and be fascinated by how differently people receive information, tools, instructions, advice, and questions, and also how they relate to different trainers.  NLP practitioners can surely count themselves as being amongst the greatest readers of people?  They’re behavioural clue spotters who observe facial and body language changes as well as verbal messages in order that they may tailor their responses to promote engagement and rapport.

Now there’s the key word – R A P P O R T – that’s where I’m heading… If you are a rapportful person, able to connect with people and engage with them, communicate in a meaningful way, you have one of the top skills going.  It’s amongst the top for leaders, for managers, for sales people, for carers,… the list is endless. 

For me – working as a coach – it underpins the coaching partnership.  Rapport needs to be established quickly to enable the client or coachee to get the most out of their coaching programme right from the outset.

Rapport affects all interactions in our professional and personal lives.  It’s a skill to be developed and honed, consciously at first, before it becomes embedded as an unconscious competence – something you are able to do well without even thinking about it because it’s automatic, instinctive and comfortable.  Rapport is an essential if you are developing your communication skills.

Think about communication and, in particular, a negotiation where you are trying to persuade or influence somebody.  If you make rapport your primary objective, then the outcome is likely to be more satisfactory.  I’m not suggesting anything unethical here!  I am suggesting that by heightening your awareness of others, their reactions, their behaviours, and what’s going on around you, you will pick up on clues for how to get the best out of your interactions with them.  It’s about understanding the people you need to make connections with – professionally or personally – as individuals.

It’s not about being contrived or artificial, it’s about having a genuine interest and encouraging 2-way communication.  Genuineness underpins credibility and trust; it’s wrapped up in an ability to be yourself and feel comfortable and at ease in different situations, with different people.  Ask a team of people what they consider to be an important characteristic for a leader and genuineness will undoubtedly feature high on their list.

Forget rules – they can be too contrived – instead be yourself, feel comfortable, develop your interest in communicating well by taking a genuine interest in people with all their quirks, their unique differences, their individual traits.  You will never get bored… 

If you are serious about improving your communication skills, invest in them, be self-aware, but, equally if not more important, make sure you develop your understanding of the person you are communicating with.  Remember what research has shown us:  when it comes to communication, people are more influenced by who you are and how you behave than by what you are actually saying – a case for walking your talk if ever I heard one.

So… what do you think?  Let me know; I would love to hear from you.

Facing up to ‘headless’ companions…

Re-reading the fabulous book by Lynne Truss, ‘Eats, Shoots & Leaves’ (2003, Profile Books Ltd, London), has stirred up my frustrations and concerns about the increasingly bruised and battered condition of the English language and conversational capabilities. 

Quality standards look to be in rapid decline when it comes to the written and spoken word; spelling and punctuation are going scarily haywire. 

I readily accept that new technologies are a boon for the majority of people when it comes to sharing information and extending the reach of communication methods of yesteryear. 

I, myself, wouldn’t be without email or the ability to communicate globally, in an instant, upon the light tap of a strategically positioned keyboard button marked Enter.  That said, on more than one occasion I have wished that the fore-mentioned button had an in-built delay and a short series of pop-up questions before reacting to the pressure of my little finger: “Are you sure you want to send this right now?”; “You do know that you are seething, don’t you?”; “Have you considered the impact of this heat of the moment email?”. 

Thinking about it, just as I can adjust my computer’s firewall settings, wouldn’t it be marvellous if the cautionary messages had an adjustable strength of warning, ascending to a direct instruction issued in red flashing alerts, “Do not send this; you are neither calm nor rational!”? 

I’m not a total Luddite, of course I’m not.  I have my basic set of IT equipment that serves me well.  For me it is a case of the simpler, the better.  I dislike, with an intensity, complex user instruction and the successive upgrades that transform my current models (which are both functional and easily navigable) into obsolete antiquities. Beads of perspiration have, more than once, been coaxed onto my forehead with constant reminders of improved hard- and soft-ware capabilities greatly exceeding my simple and straightforward requirements. 

[Pause here when I climb onto my soap-box, thank you for waiting]

I believe strongly in the more traditional (and less expensive) communication media.  I still support, with a passion, those at risk of being lost and forgotten in the fast moving age of social media and trend-setting pieces of kit that require a well toned thumb (or thumbs in the case of ambidextrous key tappers) able to flex, bend and move around a miniscule keypad at speed. 

And what’s more… what reeeeally gets my goat is the head and eyes down posture that accompanies surreptitious key tapping, particularly when the ‘headless’ person is in my company, whether in the car, on a train, on a plane, or sitting alongside me for coffee, lunch, dinner or some other situation offering scope for conversation and social interaction.  Yes, I know I am making some big assumptions here!  For one, I am actually daring to rate myself as good enough company to merit ‘eye to eye’ contact in circumstances that bring us face to face.

OMG, we now speak and write in short-hand and we are virtually (excuse the pun) forced to self-educate to stand even a small chance of sustaining a moderate ability to communicate across generations as well as nations.  Lol. [I sincerely apologise for my incredibly long-winded sentence, but I want to make my point at length!]

[Pause now when I step down from the squashed soap-box, thank you]

Whilst I accept and appreciate the incredible benefits of swiftly advancing technological media, wouldn’t it be great to (re-)establish the etiquette for verbal communication and interaction whatever language is being spoken? 

Eye contact, or at least ‘head up and face forward’, should be a basic requirement, supported by a ‘mobile phones off’ habit in those face to face situations that can be enhanced by meaningful interpersonal conversation.  Wouldn’t it be a good idea to include Conversational Skills for Social Occasions as a core subject within educational curricula? 

What do you really think?  I would love to know!