When what others think of you really counts…

Of the countless instances when people share their thoughts and opinions about you, with you, which matter most?  How do you use them?  How do you respond?

Would you make the case that it doesn’t matter a jot what other people think, provided that you are content, confident and comfortable with who you are, what you do and how you do it? (There have been times when I have claimed exactly this, usually in a casual, careless – or do I mean ‘carefree’?  –  moment.)

Then there are the well made points that you can never know 100% what somebody else is thinking, nor can you control it.  Whilst I think what a person is thinking about me is subject to variable subjectivity – shaded and shaped by their role, experience, perspective, values, beliefs, and, importantly, the nature and quality of our relationship and interactions – I also believe that supposition (or attempts at mind reading) on my part  – shaded and shaped by any insecurities, self-doubts, concerns or the opposite (hopes, aspirations, optimism, confidence) – can distort reality.

We know that we use a combination of senses when we interact, with intuition coming into play if/when we tune into it.  We respond in accordance with the verbal and non-verbal messages that we pick up on.  We also have capacity to disregard, totally, the accuracy and authenticity of those messages.  We can react, instead, to a whole set of assumptions that we fabricate for ourselves, some of which can be deeply rooted in their historic foundations.

Depending on who the other person is and the value we place on our association, we may be more or less interested in or affected by their opinions of us.  Sometimes opinions will hold great meaning and other times we will waft them away as insignificant or irritating.

What counts – in terms of resonance and relevance – is the force of impact and potential to stimulate change.  How do those opinions – welcome or not, invited or not – affect you or me?  What responses or actions do they trigger?

When I regard opinions as judgements (neither good nor bad), it seems all the more reasonable and sensible that I appraise those judgements against my own set of conditions to ensure their value to me:

• the nature of the relationship I have with the judge (or ‘opinion giver’ if  ‘judge’ is too extreme)
• the integrity of that opinion giver
• the circumstances surrounding the opinion giving (eg, professional assessment, project debrief, personal profiling)
• how confident or sensitive I feel at the time
• the frequency of the opinion giving by the same person
• whether it’s morale boosting or deflating, enabling or impeding
• whether it’s invited or unwelcome
• planned/spontaneous or inappropriately casual/clumsy
• objective or biased
• justifiable or unreasonable
• timely or out of sync
• rational or irrational
• borne of support or opposition
• current or out-of-date
• neutral or emotionally loaded (which links to objectivity).

There are other conditions that I could add.  Meaningfulness and integrity are critical factors.  Although unconsciously applied and rarely written down, all of the above matter a lot to me and affect how I receive opinions, observations and feedback.  They enable me to filter information and separate the golden nuggets (accepted with appreciation as catalysts for change) from the less valuable coarse grit (rejected without guilt or malice).

Professionally, I promote self-awareness, I believe in continuous learning, I advocate ongoing personal and professional development.  I place great value on feedback and observations on skills, talents, strengths and weaknesses (or areas for development).

For most of us the timeliness of opinion giving is critical to our receptiveness, so we ought to be applying controls and managing the process to maximise its value:

• if it’s not the right time, say so
• if the opinion giving is not credible, choose to disregard it or take steps to make it more credible (eg, ask for examples or illustrations, request feedback on specifics that matter to you)
• if relating to the past, invite an update and fresh perspective
• if superficial or lacking in detail, ask for examples
• if there’s a piece of criticism that resonates loudly or hits a nerve, digest it, mull it over, before reacting straightaway, then find out more
• put some buffers in place and build in some pause points, to reflect and consider before responding
• ask questions to increase meaningfulness
• be mindful of those aspects of you that you want to evolve
• be genuinely interested in how others see you
• be selective and filter in only those opinions and observations that enable you to learn and grow.

It’s for you to determine the times and situations when others’ opinions really do count – a job interview, performance appraisal, your partner’s insights, etc – and manage opportunities to receive them, explore them, try them on to see how they feel.  If you like them, work at getting them to a comfortable size and fit.

If, now, you were to switch roles and re-read this post as the opinion giver, how could you manage the process to enable the person on the receiving end to reap the full benefits?…

Coaching… A Choice Point, A Launchpad or Both?

An essential feature of coaching is the dedicated time and space to think, analyse, review, debrief, without any risk of being judged or criticised. The objectivity of the coach is an important feature of coaching.

Sessions provide a ‘quiet’ place and an opportunity to filter thoughts and ideas, to step back from pressures, strains, all of that surrounding noise and busyness, to gain clarity and fresh perspectives.

Coaching is not a 2-way street; there is no need for reciprocation. A session focuses 100% on the client, their goals, their choices, their achievements.

Quite often there is a breakthrough moment when everything suddenly becomes clear and straightforward, when decisions or actions that previously had felt overwhelming now present as much more straightforward and attainable. Choices can be made from a position of strength and actions implemented within a results-oriented framework.

Success Snapshot

• Alan is a middle manager who was encountering a big dip in confidence and motivation at work following a prolonged rough patch and a fair bit of criticism from his managers and colleagues
• His personal relationships with his partner and family were suffering and he was struggling to see a way forward
• Because Alan was entering the coaching programme on a low ebb, we needed to increase his energy and motivation before we could begin to explore ways forward
• We concentrated on his strengths, what he enjoyed doing, what he was good at, what he used to do but had given up, new pursuits that interested him, ideas that inspired, professional and personal achievements that illustrated his multiple skill-sets and competence
• Enabled by a fresh and more positive frame of mind, Alan used our early sessions to debrief and review the events and circumstances of the 9 month period that had (a) consumed his energy and motivation, and (b) eroded his confidence and abilities as a manager
• We sifted facts from assumptions and separated contributing factors (that could be evidenced) from the more subjective, emotional interpretations
• We determined what could have been done differently or better and what – now being viewed from a more balanced and objective perspective – had been handled satisfactorily or well
• Over the course of the programme, we worked to progress Alan’s career goals, ideas for introducing more creativity into his work role (lateral thinking and idea generation were amongst Alan’s then untapped talents), and leisure and fun activities with his partner and son for greater life balance
• Journey goals included building a professional portfolio of projects, achievements and ideas, applying techniques for managing the challenges presented by a strong-minded and sometimes undermining team, creating opportunities for using those challenges to define acceptable/unacceptable team behaviours, promoting a stronger team identity and a partnership agreement
• Over the period of 2-3 months Alan regained his confidence and progressed his creative ideas at work
• During the second half of the programme – months 3-4 – he determined to commit to his employing organisation (he had been looking to leave) and pursue ideas with his line manager.  He received great feedback from peers and managers who commented on his transformation
• In parallel, he invested more time in the leisure interest that inspired him, with the longer term ambition of growing it into a business at an appropriate point in the future
• Reflecting on his coaching journey, he described himself as feeling pretty lost, aimless and downhearted before coaching and, though cautious because he didn’t know what to expect, he was clear that the programme had enabled him to dust himself off, take stock and see the wood from the trees. This – in his eyes – had motivated him to regain his foothold in a demanding, professional environment and take control.

A typical coaching programme is time-limited and relatively short-term. 1:1 sessions can be delivered face-to-face or by telephone or Skype. In Alan’s case, we used the telephone which actually helped with focus and concentration.

There needs to be sufficient time between sessions for the client to take the steps or complete actions that they commit to. Frequency of sessions can, therefore, vary. Whilst some clients favour weekly sessions to establish and maintain momentum, fortnightly or 3-weekly tends to be the norm, often extending to monthly or longer as the programme moves into its final phase.

All good coaches will sign-up to coaching programmes themselves. To promoters of Continuing Professional Development and performance improvement, it makes absolute sense, as does goal-setting. Meet a highly motivated, successful person and, more times than not, there will be time-framed goals involved.

Coaching delivers gains on multiple fronts.

In Alan’s case, it delivered measurable benefits for his employer, his managers, his colleagues, his team and, importantly, for his family.

Gains – because they involve the adoption of a new proactive mindset and changes to attitude, perspective and behaviours – are long-term.

Comparing direct teaching/training to coaching [I am qualified to comment on both], coaching – particularly when reinforced with mentoring – delivers longer lasting, positive results that are wide ranging and extensive in their impact.

To answer the headline question: Yes, I definitely see coaching delivering both a choice point and a launchpad…

Coaching: A Winning Formula…

Performance coaching is a greatly under-used resource here in the UK.  Its potential to deliver long-term benefits via short-term change programmes – frustratingly – can go unrecognised. People have a tendency to categorise and badge it a particular type, rather than understanding the change process involved. It is logical, it is sequential, it has multiple applications relevant to multiple environments and multiple personal and professional ambitions.

Coaching programmes are 100% responsive to clients’ starting positions and end goals because they are client-led. It is the client who sets the agenda and the coach who introduces skills and tools to facilitate achievement and deliver results.

Skilled application of coaching tools and questions enables decision-making, problem-solving, planning, review, option appraisal, clarification, plus plus plus… the list could run on.

Goal setting and achievement are fundamental to the process, as are the commitment and readiness of the client to embark on their particular and unique journey that is, inevitably, timeframed. The latter point is important; it is a crucial ingredient of the successful coaching formula:

COACHING + COMMITMENT = MOTIVATION + FOCUS + MOMENTUM = POSITIVE CHANGE + GREAT RESULTS

Success Snapshot

• A busy mum trying to get back into work and juggling lots of priorities (including school runs) over a hectic week, Carol started the coaching programme feeling lack-lustre, trying to cram a lot (too much?) into a limited amount of time and feeling overwhelmed as a result
• We concentrated, initially, on ranking Carol’s priorities, identifying pressure points, analysing her current weekly schedule, including fixed and movable routines and tasks
• By stepping back and viewing total available hours (before commitments) we were able to gain a clear and more objective perspective for re-allocating hours to tasks
• We explored what better life balance meant for her ahead of coming up with ways to create space for those new activities that Carol wanted to pursue
• We spotted habits that worked against her and those patterns and routines that worked well for her
• We clarified the choices and decisions she needed to make. There were some big decisions and changes required (eg, negotiation of a part-time contract in a professionally competitive field)
• By the end of the programme the work contract was in full swing, enabled by a weekly routine that worked
• By structuring diary space it was possible to plan time-out activities as well as supporting and encouraging spontaneity at weekends
• Checking in with her 3 months after her final coaching session, Carol has successfully maintained her achievements and is continuing to use the coaching questions and tools to regain perspective and balance when pressures start to mount. Effectively they provide a bridge from disorganisation that feels overwhelming to more focused prioritisation that promotes better life balance.

Are we nearly there yet?!!!

Time waits for nobody and nothing! When we’re facing a brand new set of 12 months, that year can feel like a sizable period.  When we’re looking back, those same units of time can somehow seem reduced or compressed!

It’s a fact that our own busyness can actually disempower us. Perpetual pressure can distort reality and skew the accuracy of perspective. It can also significantly restrict creativity!

Most of us can and do get swept along by crazy paces and frenzied activity without ever pausing for breath or taking stock of where we’re at, how we’re doing, where we’re going, what we want to do next. Is what we’re actually doing what we really should be doing?

How often do we each spend a bit of time focusing on ourselves, taking stock of what we’ve achieved, what we’ve enjoyed, what we are keen not to repeat, what we want to remember and what we want to hone as valuable resources for fresh endeavours?

If you were penning a stand-up routine for yourself, headlining ‘2012 Gains’, what would you include? What would you leave out and for what reasons? What are the stand-out moments? How have you changed? What are your priorities? What are your intentions? What are you planning to do next?

Rather than an annual end of year review, why not reap the wisdom and benefits of your experiences on a regular and more frequent basis?

There are certain key questions that we ought to take the time and make the effort to answer for ourselves. The questions could be similar or different across a group of people. What’s important is that they are meaningful and insightful on a personal level.

I’m encouraging you to get serious about you, to navigate with greater self-awareness and curiosity, to hit the pause button and step down from the treadmill that you may be stuck on, and then consciously to survey the landscape to appreciate where you’ve been, what you’ve seen, who you have met, where you are right now, and where you’re heading next!

Exciting, isn’t it?!!!

Elastic only ever snaps when it’s stretched too far or too fast!

Adventurers and security seekers sit at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to comfort zones. Both move into panic zones on occasions, but for opposite reasons.

Is either position right or wrong?

Is it the size of the stretch or the amount of control we have over that stretch that is the deal maker or breaker? Stress levels can shoot up for any one of us when choice is removed and control restricted.

Somebody pushed to move out of their comfort zone before they’re ready, when feeling unsure, exposed, vulnerable or reluctant, could well react with forceful emotion and resistant manoeuvring.

Heels may firmly be dug into the ground with a steadfast refusal to budge, the threats to their boundaries regarded with suspicion, a battle of wills fought with whoever or whatever is doing the pushing.

If you are the person trying to get the other person to stretch, you’re going to have to use coaching and mentoring skills to identify, measure and then reduce the conflict factors that are acting like brakes.

By working with the person to understand, plan and manage the transition they need to make to deliver a change, you will empower them to release those brakes.

By facilitating the stretch in appropriately sized increments, at a sensitive yet acceptable pace, you will strengthen the person’s ability to make their transition.

By enabling them to self-appraise and explore ALL opportunities created by a change, you will build an alternative viewing platform and motivators for sustaining forward motion.

By recognising their achievements and capabilities, you will open up access to personal development resources and incentivise a stretch.

For security seekers, knowing boundaries is of paramount importance for a continuing sense of wellbeing. Confidence and contentment come from familiarity, stability and a desire to maintain the status quo. Routines and solid foundations can be clung to like buoys when waters turn choppy. Trusted and long-established relationships are held close, often at the expense of new acquaintances who have to prove that they are trustworthy, dependable and reliable.

For the adventurers, stretching (and then stretching their stretch) is non-negotiable. It’s essential sustenance for their life force. The very thought of sticking within comfort zones causes panic and palpitations. It’s the equivalent of a ball and chain padlocked around both ankles, not just one.

Am I exaggerating my descriptions? For sure I am… AND, yes, I am simplifying like mad. We could come up with a great long list of people types when it comes to the challenge of change.

What we’re talking about here are big differences in the boundaries we place around ourselves AND in how we each react when other people or circumstances push at those boundaries. Shouldn’t these differences be acknowledged through more individualised approaches to change management?

‘I need you to listen, so please don’t say a word, not just yet…’

How difficult is it when the person opposite us recounts their story not to interject, to compare notes, to reassure, to empathise, to confirm that ‘oooh I know exactly what you mean – try this, it might help…’?

Is it a default setting for human beings to offer advice and guidance even before we finish hearing what the story-teller is sharing?

How long can we listen before uttering a word or 2?

How often does a well meant interjection thwart the full progress of a story or skew its direction of travel?

A top feature of coaching is DEEP listening. It’s an essential skill for all good coaches. The 1:1 coaching partnership affords dedicated time, distraction free, without any interference or noise, to focus on the coachee’s goals, their drivers for change, their resources, their achievements. Each session creates a special forum indeed that concentrates 100% on the coachee.

Listening (and hearing) regularly features as a top skill for leaders.  If we’re being honest about it, shouldn’t it be an essential competence for any professional working with people?

It’s often the quality of their people skills and their approach to communication that separates a great leader from the average. Their interest in people means they genuinely want to listen, to hear fully what’s being said, to pick up on what’s not being said that intuitively they know it’s important for them to understand.

It is these leaders who create time and space for the story-teller to unfurl their prose at their own pace. It is these leaders who use silence constructively and comfortably, without feeling the need to fill it with their own interference. Only at the end of the story do they find out more and, even then, they will ask questions only after they have confirmed that it’s appropriate and permissible to do so.

Listening is a tremendous skill that it takes conscious and concerted effort to hone. The use of silence is a complementary skill. The use of questions – sequenced and incrementally stepped to harvest the full richness and depth of information – can be positively enlightening and empowering.

When we next automatically enter into the easy and natural rhythm of a 2-way conversation, how about we pause to listen first and apply our skills with a greater degree of intuition?

Hmmmm, so what was it that you were saying before I so rudely interrupted you? 😉

Top Tips for becoming more positive

You know that old adage, ‘Smile and the whole world smiles with you‘? There’s also that glass measurement, ‘Half full or half empty‘.

If you are running on half empty, sayings like these can be [bleep, bleep – please feel free to insert your own vocabulary here!] annoying.  That said, there is definitely something in them.

Notice people around you – without being too obvious or harassing anybody – and consider their personas, how they approach challenges, how they manage change, the quality of their interactions. Who do you admire? Who do you warm to? And… who would you choose to work with?

Who would you reeeally like on your team at work or play?

I’m not presuming anything fantastic here because there are lots of factors and variables that will affect us. One assumption I am making is that most of us do not automatically gravitate towards the person who constantly looks for flaws and faults, who continually raises more arguments against than for, who frowns more than they smile, and who can – at their absolute peak – suck the life force out of everybody around them. [By the way, I am talking norms here – this attitude and behaviour are the norm for this particular person. It’s not a case of somebody temporarily going through a rough patch.]

We know full well that we can all change IF (a) we decide to and (b) we really really want to. We’re talking about reprogramming our thinking and our automatic reactions to situations. Speaking personally, I am not wanting to smile and whistle all the time, but I do want to adopt a more Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) that serves me well in what I do and how I interact with people. Here are some tips which you might like for starters…

1. Be self-aware (more than usual): Set yourself a timeframe (eg, 3 days, a week) to notice your attitude, your language, how you respond and react to different people and situations. Do you bring out the best in people? Do you contribute to things as positively and proactively as you can? What do you contribute? What do you ‘bring to the table’?
2. Notice your language: As a basic starter, notice your use of negative stock phrases like ‘Not too bad’ (in response to ‘How’s it going?’), ‘I don’t see why not’ (in response to ‘Can we do X…?’). Practise switching to more definite and positive vocabulary and phrasing, if you need to. It’s the increasing self-awareness and consciousness that are important here.
3. Take small steps to test out a new approach: This is about setting yourself some goals to break subconscious negative habits/patterns and consciously replace them with better habits/patterns. Eg, when you automatically think ‘This won’t work because…’, stop yourself and come up with 2 reasons why it could (or will) work. You could even adopt this as a team approach.
4. Have realistic expectations: If you are a perfection seeker, when do you feel satisfied? Whilst a continuous improvement philosophy can be a necessity, take time to recognise and enjoy what’s working well right now. Similarly, good enough can be good enough. Invest greatest effort and energy in what is most important.
5. Balance perspectives: Avoid letting worry, or fear of success or failure, become big stumbling blocks. Failure is actually an outcome that can be changed. Facing up to fear inducing tasks or situations, and then devising a strategy for working on them, can grow PMA. It’s the action of taking control that provides uplift and momentum for change.
6. Adopt a solution focus: Instead of analysing a problem (which can actually escalate it by placing emphasis on blame, causal factors, negative impacts and consequences), adopt an alternative perspective. By defining how you want something to be can open up the mind to options and unlock solutions. The more detailed you can be, the clearer you will be about your starting position. What’s working well right now? What should you do more of? What isn’t working for you so needs to stop? What experience and skills can you use? What resources can you call upon? What steps can you take right now to make things happen?

Let me know what you think! If you need to check anything, get in touch.  Ditto, if you have any experiences to share.

Project complete? Before you move onto the next, please take a moment…

How often do we review our work achievements for ourselves? Never, rarely, often?

If you answer the latter, I think that’s fantastic and you deserve an award, seriously you do.  In my case, my answer sits at a midpoint between never and rarely. 

I don’t know if you have ever left a job and found yourself clearing out filing cabinets, computer files, etc, to leave things straight for your successor or to handover to a colleague?  

If you have, you may well recall the walk down memory lane, with some sharp reminders as you unearth different pieces of work and projects that you have genuinely forgotten, or the faded remnants of which have been shoved deeper into your memory bank as you have deposited newer memories of more recent tasks and projects.

An annual appraisal with a line manager will pick up on performance targets and some achievements, but it won’t necessarily extend to reviewing individual pieces of work. 

Supervision sessions tend to concentrate on current pressures, what’s happening now, what needs to happen tomorrow or next month. 

When you’re ready for a career change and apply for a new job, or, in my case, tender for a contract, you can find yourself having to climb into your memory bank to rediscover and evaluate some of those projects that…, well wow, how could you have forgotten them?  They were significant, they delivered, you put your heart and soul into them at the time.  And yet, as you’ve taken on new pieces of work, sometimes actually reinventing the earlier models, they have been discarded and their value lost.

My message to you:  please don’t let their value diminish!  Treat all projects as assets.  Review them, learn from them, appraise your knowledge, skills, strengths at the end of each.  Highlight summary headlines for yourself, to act as a memory jogger.  Effectively you’re devising an index system that you can flick through to remind yourself of what you have done and what you have delivered.

The format and amount of detail is up to you, whatever suits you best.  If you want to add in a few extras, I’d recommend that you log some notes to yourself…  What have you learned from the experience?  What was significant about the process?  What are the stand-out features for YOU?  What would YOU do differently next time?  This is about growing your experience and wisdom to carry forward to future projects… 

Give it a go; put the idea to the test and adapt it so that it works for you!