When what others think of you really counts…

Of the countless instances when people share their thoughts and opinions about you, with you, which matter most?  How do you use them?  How do you respond?

Would you make the case that it doesn’t matter a jot what other people think, provided that you are content, confident and comfortable with who you are, what you do and how you do it? (There have been times when I have claimed exactly this, usually in a casual, careless – or do I mean ‘carefree’?  –  moment.)

Then there are the well made points that you can never know 100% what somebody else is thinking, nor can you control it.  Whilst I think what a person is thinking about me is subject to variable subjectivity – shaded and shaped by their role, experience, perspective, values, beliefs, and, importantly, the nature and quality of our relationship and interactions – I also believe that supposition (or attempts at mind reading) on my part  – shaded and shaped by any insecurities, self-doubts, concerns or the opposite (hopes, aspirations, optimism, confidence) – can distort reality.

We know that we use a combination of senses when we interact, with intuition coming into play if/when we tune into it.  We respond in accordance with the verbal and non-verbal messages that we pick up on.  We also have capacity to disregard, totally, the accuracy and authenticity of those messages.  We can react, instead, to a whole set of assumptions that we fabricate for ourselves, some of which can be deeply rooted in their historic foundations.

Depending on who the other person is and the value we place on our association, we may be more or less interested in or affected by their opinions of us.  Sometimes opinions will hold great meaning and other times we will waft them away as insignificant or irritating.

What counts – in terms of resonance and relevance – is the force of impact and potential to stimulate change.  How do those opinions – welcome or not, invited or not – affect you or me?  What responses or actions do they trigger?

When I regard opinions as judgements (neither good nor bad), it seems all the more reasonable and sensible that I appraise those judgements against my own set of conditions to ensure their value to me:

• the nature of the relationship I have with the judge (or ‘opinion giver’ if  ‘judge’ is too extreme)
• the integrity of that opinion giver
• the circumstances surrounding the opinion giving (eg, professional assessment, project debrief, personal profiling)
• how confident or sensitive I feel at the time
• the frequency of the opinion giving by the same person
• whether it’s morale boosting or deflating, enabling or impeding
• whether it’s invited or unwelcome
• planned/spontaneous or inappropriately casual/clumsy
• objective or biased
• justifiable or unreasonable
• timely or out of sync
• rational or irrational
• borne of support or opposition
• current or out-of-date
• neutral or emotionally loaded (which links to objectivity).

There are other conditions that I could add.  Meaningfulness and integrity are critical factors.  Although unconsciously applied and rarely written down, all of the above matter a lot to me and affect how I receive opinions, observations and feedback.  They enable me to filter information and separate the golden nuggets (accepted with appreciation as catalysts for change) from the less valuable coarse grit (rejected without guilt or malice).

Professionally, I promote self-awareness, I believe in continuous learning, I advocate ongoing personal and professional development.  I place great value on feedback and observations on skills, talents, strengths and weaknesses (or areas for development).

For most of us the timeliness of opinion giving is critical to our receptiveness, so we ought to be applying controls and managing the process to maximise its value:

• if it’s not the right time, say so
• if the opinion giving is not credible, choose to disregard it or take steps to make it more credible (eg, ask for examples or illustrations, request feedback on specifics that matter to you)
• if relating to the past, invite an update and fresh perspective
• if superficial or lacking in detail, ask for examples
• if there’s a piece of criticism that resonates loudly or hits a nerve, digest it, mull it over, before reacting straightaway, then find out more
• put some buffers in place and build in some pause points, to reflect and consider before responding
• ask questions to increase meaningfulness
• be mindful of those aspects of you that you want to evolve
• be genuinely interested in how others see you
• be selective and filter in only those opinions and observations that enable you to learn and grow.

It’s for you to determine the times and situations when others’ opinions really do count – a job interview, performance appraisal, your partner’s insights, etc – and manage opportunities to receive them, explore them, try them on to see how they feel.  If you like them, work at getting them to a comfortable size and fit.

If, now, you were to switch roles and re-read this post as the opinion giver, how could you manage the process to enable the person on the receiving end to reap the full benefits?…

Are we nearly there yet?!!!

Time waits for nobody and nothing! When we’re facing a brand new set of 12 months, that year can feel like a sizable period.  When we’re looking back, those same units of time can somehow seem reduced or compressed!

It’s a fact that our own busyness can actually disempower us. Perpetual pressure can distort reality and skew the accuracy of perspective. It can also significantly restrict creativity!

Most of us can and do get swept along by crazy paces and frenzied activity without ever pausing for breath or taking stock of where we’re at, how we’re doing, where we’re going, what we want to do next. Is what we’re actually doing what we really should be doing?

How often do we each spend a bit of time focusing on ourselves, taking stock of what we’ve achieved, what we’ve enjoyed, what we are keen not to repeat, what we want to remember and what we want to hone as valuable resources for fresh endeavours?

If you were penning a stand-up routine for yourself, headlining ‘2012 Gains’, what would you include? What would you leave out and for what reasons? What are the stand-out moments? How have you changed? What are your priorities? What are your intentions? What are you planning to do next?

Rather than an annual end of year review, why not reap the wisdom and benefits of your experiences on a regular and more frequent basis?

There are certain key questions that we ought to take the time and make the effort to answer for ourselves. The questions could be similar or different across a group of people. What’s important is that they are meaningful and insightful on a personal level.

I’m encouraging you to get serious about you, to navigate with greater self-awareness and curiosity, to hit the pause button and step down from the treadmill that you may be stuck on, and then consciously to survey the landscape to appreciate where you’ve been, what you’ve seen, who you have met, where you are right now, and where you’re heading next!

Exciting, isn’t it?!!!

Elastic only ever snaps when it’s stretched too far or too fast!

Adventurers and security seekers sit at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to comfort zones. Both move into panic zones on occasions, but for opposite reasons.

Is either position right or wrong?

Is it the size of the stretch or the amount of control we have over that stretch that is the deal maker or breaker? Stress levels can shoot up for any one of us when choice is removed and control restricted.

Somebody pushed to move out of their comfort zone before they’re ready, when feeling unsure, exposed, vulnerable or reluctant, could well react with forceful emotion and resistant manoeuvring.

Heels may firmly be dug into the ground with a steadfast refusal to budge, the threats to their boundaries regarded with suspicion, a battle of wills fought with whoever or whatever is doing the pushing.

If you are the person trying to get the other person to stretch, you’re going to have to use coaching and mentoring skills to identify, measure and then reduce the conflict factors that are acting like brakes.

By working with the person to understand, plan and manage the transition they need to make to deliver a change, you will empower them to release those brakes.

By facilitating the stretch in appropriately sized increments, at a sensitive yet acceptable pace, you will strengthen the person’s ability to make their transition.

By enabling them to self-appraise and explore ALL opportunities created by a change, you will build an alternative viewing platform and motivators for sustaining forward motion.

By recognising their achievements and capabilities, you will open up access to personal development resources and incentivise a stretch.

For security seekers, knowing boundaries is of paramount importance for a continuing sense of wellbeing. Confidence and contentment come from familiarity, stability and a desire to maintain the status quo. Routines and solid foundations can be clung to like buoys when waters turn choppy. Trusted and long-established relationships are held close, often at the expense of new acquaintances who have to prove that they are trustworthy, dependable and reliable.

For the adventurers, stretching (and then stretching their stretch) is non-negotiable. It’s essential sustenance for their life force. The very thought of sticking within comfort zones causes panic and palpitations. It’s the equivalent of a ball and chain padlocked around both ankles, not just one.

Am I exaggerating my descriptions? For sure I am… AND, yes, I am simplifying like mad. We could come up with a great long list of people types when it comes to the challenge of change.

What we’re talking about here are big differences in the boundaries we place around ourselves AND in how we each react when other people or circumstances push at those boundaries. Shouldn’t these differences be acknowledged through more individualised approaches to change management?

Coaching? Surely that’s just flipping hippy, American nonsense?!…

Absolutely not (I’m shouting that at high volume!).  Americans lead the way when it comes to coaching.  They have embraced and embedded coaching – in all of its forms – as part of their culture of personal development, achievement, performance, going for gold, gutsy drive and determination made worthwhile by the results delivered…

Is it unreasonable or unfair of me to suggest that we’re more cautious in the UK?  For sure, we tend to be more reserved and drier witted.  The mention of coaching – without labelling it any particular type – can actually polarize people. 

Some people don’t know what it is or what it involves; others can see it as a fluffy, self-indulgent process.  Then there are those individuals, more familiar with the process and tools, who can be interested in the potential for improving particular aspects of their lives (personal and professional) and making changes for the better.

What’s most rewarding for me – a coach – is the fact that it’s the people who have experienced coaching (here I’m talking about coaching for improving personal or professional performance) who become champions of the process.  They regard themselves as long-term beneficiaries of the skills and tools they become familiar with during a coaching programme.

A coaching client of mine has just completed a programme, so I asked him if he would provide a testimonial for my website.  Because he’s a busy middle manager and is in the thick of chasing organisational targets, feeling like he’s running to catch up, I invited feedback over the phone or as a set of bullet points in an email – whatever was easier.  I was surprised, delighted and moved by his written response, received the following day. 

This manager has challenged me, as a coach, as much as coaching has challenged his outlook.

 Upon first meeting, I discovered that his reluctance and guardedness was, in part, due to coaching having been suggested to him as a response to his line manager expressing concerns over his performance. 

Another substantial influencing factor was his struggle to come to terms with the results of a dyslexia assessment triggered by his disclosure of his difficulties with poor English.  He felt that he had had no choice other than to reveal his difficulties to his employer, fearing that he was facing formal HR/Personnel proceedings for under-performance. 

An essential feature of coaching is the dedicated time and space to think, analyse, review, debrief, without any risk of being judged or criticised.  Sessions provide a ‘safe haven’, but, more than that, an opportunity to filter thoughts and actions, to declutter, to step back from pressures, strains, all of that surrounding noise and busyness, to gain some clarity, focus and a more balanced perspective. 

Coaching is not a talking shop; it is action and goal focused, requiring high intention and commitment by the client to move forward.  Coaching questions are key to delivering desired outcomes and changes for people. 

There really are those ‘WOW’ moments, when everything suddenly becomes clear, when decisions or actions that previously had felt overwhelming now present as much more straightforward and attainable.

It took us our first 2 sessions to establish a starting position for moving forward.  And… we moved forward carefully and cautiously at first, as Antony explains:

‘…At the first meeting Dawn had a very suspicious, angry, bitter, disempowered, disengaged, and worried, deskilled, but above all, battered, bruised and very upset middle manager on her hands.

How would you work with such an individual?  This is where Dawn’s support came to the fore.

She quickly provided me with a safe space to deposit these feelings, to discuss them, analyse the issues, the problems.  When you are in this situation, you need someone to actively listen, but you also require to be challenged, probed and a range of strategies developed to find a way out through the impasse. …’.

Once we had broken through the initial barriers, we used visualisation to define goals and, over a period of 4 months, we tested a variety of management tools and resources, we used sessions to review what worked and what didn’t, we unpicked those factors blocking or hindering progress.

The sessions were structured and progressive, without frills or fluff, much to the relief of Antony, ‘…a natural sceptic who, when the term coaching was mentioned to me, thought flipping hippy, American nonsense…’!

What’s important to me, as a coach, is the realisation of people’s potential – whether relating to their personal or professional lives, or both.  A lot of people in the UK, I suspect, do not appreciate what coaching is or what it can deliver.  They do, sometimes, expect the frills and fluff and maybe, even, bells and whistles. 

My experience of facilitating and supporting changes for organisations and individuals – covering a quarter century so not insignificant – convinces me that coaching (particularly when it is combined with mentoring) needs to be understood much more than now AND delivered much more than now in order to be positioned highly as a vehicle for highest achievement and best performance.

Coaching is a skilful process, using fantastic tools and techniques, delivering top results; that is an undeniable fact!