When what others think of you really counts…

Of the countless instances when people share their thoughts and opinions about you, with you, which matter most?  How do you use them?  How do you respond?

Would you make the case that it doesn’t matter a jot what other people think, provided that you are content, confident and comfortable with who you are, what you do and how you do it? (There have been times when I have claimed exactly this, usually in a casual, careless – or do I mean ‘carefree’?  –  moment.)

Then there are the well made points that you can never know 100% what somebody else is thinking, nor can you control it.  Whilst I think what a person is thinking about me is subject to variable subjectivity – shaded and shaped by their role, experience, perspective, values, beliefs, and, importantly, the nature and quality of our relationship and interactions – I also believe that supposition (or attempts at mind reading) on my part  – shaded and shaped by any insecurities, self-doubts, concerns or the opposite (hopes, aspirations, optimism, confidence) – can distort reality.

We know that we use a combination of senses when we interact, with intuition coming into play if/when we tune into it.  We respond in accordance with the verbal and non-verbal messages that we pick up on.  We also have capacity to disregard, totally, the accuracy and authenticity of those messages.  We can react, instead, to a whole set of assumptions that we fabricate for ourselves, some of which can be deeply rooted in their historic foundations.

Depending on who the other person is and the value we place on our association, we may be more or less interested in or affected by their opinions of us.  Sometimes opinions will hold great meaning and other times we will waft them away as insignificant or irritating.

What counts – in terms of resonance and relevance – is the force of impact and potential to stimulate change.  How do those opinions – welcome or not, invited or not – affect you or me?  What responses or actions do they trigger?

When I regard opinions as judgements (neither good nor bad), it seems all the more reasonable and sensible that I appraise those judgements against my own set of conditions to ensure their value to me:

• the nature of the relationship I have with the judge (or ‘opinion giver’ if  ‘judge’ is too extreme)
• the integrity of that opinion giver
• the circumstances surrounding the opinion giving (eg, professional assessment, project debrief, personal profiling)
• how confident or sensitive I feel at the time
• the frequency of the opinion giving by the same person
• whether it’s morale boosting or deflating, enabling or impeding
• whether it’s invited or unwelcome
• planned/spontaneous or inappropriately casual/clumsy
• objective or biased
• justifiable or unreasonable
• timely or out of sync
• rational or irrational
• borne of support or opposition
• current or out-of-date
• neutral or emotionally loaded (which links to objectivity).

There are other conditions that I could add.  Meaningfulness and integrity are critical factors.  Although unconsciously applied and rarely written down, all of the above matter a lot to me and affect how I receive opinions, observations and feedback.  They enable me to filter information and separate the golden nuggets (accepted with appreciation as catalysts for change) from the less valuable coarse grit (rejected without guilt or malice).

Professionally, I promote self-awareness, I believe in continuous learning, I advocate ongoing personal and professional development.  I place great value on feedback and observations on skills, talents, strengths and weaknesses (or areas for development).

For most of us the timeliness of opinion giving is critical to our receptiveness, so we ought to be applying controls and managing the process to maximise its value:

• if it’s not the right time, say so
• if the opinion giving is not credible, choose to disregard it or take steps to make it more credible (eg, ask for examples or illustrations, request feedback on specifics that matter to you)
• if relating to the past, invite an update and fresh perspective
• if superficial or lacking in detail, ask for examples
• if there’s a piece of criticism that resonates loudly or hits a nerve, digest it, mull it over, before reacting straightaway, then find out more
• put some buffers in place and build in some pause points, to reflect and consider before responding
• ask questions to increase meaningfulness
• be mindful of those aspects of you that you want to evolve
• be genuinely interested in how others see you
• be selective and filter in only those opinions and observations that enable you to learn and grow.

It’s for you to determine the times and situations when others’ opinions really do count – a job interview, performance appraisal, your partner’s insights, etc – and manage opportunities to receive them, explore them, try them on to see how they feel.  If you like them, work at getting them to a comfortable size and fit.

If, now, you were to switch roles and re-read this post as the opinion giver, how could you manage the process to enable the person on the receiving end to reap the full benefits?…

The clock is ticking… are you committing to wind up or down?

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing… Helen Keller

Said it before and will say it again!…  People are intriguing in how they approach new experiences and the chance of doing something different. There’s a definite link to confidence levels and attitudes to risk taking, and then there’s another connection with energy, drive and determination.

A long established coaching question, ‘When you are 95 years old, what will you want to say about your life?’, is a consistent leveller whether considering professional or personal situations.

Irrespective of temperament or breadth and depth of comfort zones, most people indicate their desire to live a full life, make the most of opportunities open to them, and make a difference to the people who matter. A different line of questioning establishes how far somebody is willing to go to create opportunities instead of waiting for them to happen.

In spite of the broadly shared desire – as basic as it may be – to make the most of our time and get the best from it, it’s our readiness to get proactive that shows up big differences.

Pace of life and an over-abundance of demands can feel restrictive. There can be a tendency to stick within comfort zones when we are working or living routinely, virtually by rote. Routines may help us get everything done that needs to be done within available hours AND can also constrain and consume all our efforts and energy in the process.

We don’t always notice when we are stuck until events or circumstances ricochet us straight into PANIC! Our norms are suddenly distorted and routines disrupted, temporarily inducing panic associated with loss of control.

In coaching terms it’s much healthier for somebody to be ready and prepared to stretch in order to bypass or minimise panic. A coaching agreement requires willingness and commitment to step back from routines, busyness, unconscious patterns of behaviour, to observe and self-appraise with increasing awareness. It requires us to pay attention to what’s happening, how well we’re doing, where we want to get to and what we intend to do about getting there.

If, by the age of 95 (or older), you want to be in the happy position of having lived your life fully and richly, what are your plans now for venturing out of your comfort zone, to experience new activities, learn new things, try out new ideas to see how they fit, to acquire new knowledge, meet new people, discover new possibilities, opportunities and talents?

I am not promoting pink and fluffy self-indulgence. I am advocating greater consciousness about how we spend our time and get the most out of it.

If you have lost sight of ambitions and motivators amidst all those everyday pressures and routine living, reconnect with them.

Review your knowledge, skills and talents. If you were to estimate the extent to which you are using them today, what percentage would you say? 80% plus or much less? If much less, negotiate ways to use them more fully and take steps to do just that.

Set yourself a target of trying something new or doing something different at a frequency that stretches you.

Break free of mundane routines and climb out of that rut that you may have accidently fallen into.

If you discover that you are just moving through each day/week/month, take steps right now to change what you’re doing and enjoy doing it!

Elastic only ever snaps when it’s stretched too far or too fast!

Adventurers and security seekers sit at opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to comfort zones. Both move into panic zones on occasions, but for opposite reasons.

Is either position right or wrong?

Is it the size of the stretch or the amount of control we have over that stretch that is the deal maker or breaker? Stress levels can shoot up for any one of us when choice is removed and control restricted.

Somebody pushed to move out of their comfort zone before they’re ready, when feeling unsure, exposed, vulnerable or reluctant, could well react with forceful emotion and resistant manoeuvring.

Heels may firmly be dug into the ground with a steadfast refusal to budge, the threats to their boundaries regarded with suspicion, a battle of wills fought with whoever or whatever is doing the pushing.

If you are the person trying to get the other person to stretch, you’re going to have to use coaching and mentoring skills to identify, measure and then reduce the conflict factors that are acting like brakes.

By working with the person to understand, plan and manage the transition they need to make to deliver a change, you will empower them to release those brakes.

By facilitating the stretch in appropriately sized increments, at a sensitive yet acceptable pace, you will strengthen the person’s ability to make their transition.

By enabling them to self-appraise and explore ALL opportunities created by a change, you will build an alternative viewing platform and motivators for sustaining forward motion.

By recognising their achievements and capabilities, you will open up access to personal development resources and incentivise a stretch.

For security seekers, knowing boundaries is of paramount importance for a continuing sense of wellbeing. Confidence and contentment come from familiarity, stability and a desire to maintain the status quo. Routines and solid foundations can be clung to like buoys when waters turn choppy. Trusted and long-established relationships are held close, often at the expense of new acquaintances who have to prove that they are trustworthy, dependable and reliable.

For the adventurers, stretching (and then stretching their stretch) is non-negotiable. It’s essential sustenance for their life force. The very thought of sticking within comfort zones causes panic and palpitations. It’s the equivalent of a ball and chain padlocked around both ankles, not just one.

Am I exaggerating my descriptions? For sure I am… AND, yes, I am simplifying like mad. We could come up with a great long list of people types when it comes to the challenge of change.

What we’re talking about here are big differences in the boundaries we place around ourselves AND in how we each react when other people or circumstances push at those boundaries. Shouldn’t these differences be acknowledged through more individualised approaches to change management?